then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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