I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
