I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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