i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
