Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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