Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
