I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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