So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
