She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
