You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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