My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
