Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
