You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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