do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
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