TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
