Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
