Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
