I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
