So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
