If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
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we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
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WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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