She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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