I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
