it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
