Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
