Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
