i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
