i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
