...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
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