I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
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