im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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