My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
