It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
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Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
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SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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