oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Randomize
