that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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