he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
