I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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