I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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