you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
