I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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