Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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