dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
You pole danced in your parka.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
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