if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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