i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
