Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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