Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
