Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
