The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
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Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
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