We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
