hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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