Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
