I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
