she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
