...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
