my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
