True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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