Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
