How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
